Turkey, St Martinis and Performance (daaaahlink)

Uh huh kitty cats-me again (and a long one it is too!)

Turkey-what a jaunt that was. Flew over quite late and arrived at the resort about 6 in the morning. Club Med just outside Bodrum. Had my own room which was next door to Guy Monkhouse and spent most of the holiday knocking around with him.
Next day was spent by the pool and drinking pina coladas before the show and getting stuck into the free bar. Great food-just a ridiculous amount and a different theme for dinner every night.

Carl from the company asked me if I was ready for my show the Tuesday which I wasn’t prepared and had no idea I was supposed to be doing (apparently an Israeli lady who has done Eurovision cancelled so I was filling in).
Luckily had an emergency CD with me so did a few of my more popish numbers. Seemed to go ok.
(Poor Baylen!)
Before the show I was prepping my wig in the dressing room surrounded by male porn stars fluffing/wanking themselves for their show which was after mine which was frankly a bit of a farce (“ooh look we have willies“. And that was pretty much it).

Had cabin fever by Wednesday so had to get out of the resort so took a trip into town on my own for a gander. Very touristy - a bit like an upmarket Turkish Blackpool. Lots of shops selling the same tat but quite enjoyed it. Back to the resort and finally someone found out where all the drugs were-things kind of went a bit silly.
I went to Turkey with an ear infection and then got a stinking cold so didn’t drink much of the free booze (ridiculous-apparently we drank more booze in 5 days with a third of the resort full than a full resort drinks in six weeks. Don’t give the gays a free bar!!)

Had intended going snorkelling and a bit of archery but felt like poo so spent a lot of the time by the pool or swimming in the sea on the resorts private beach.

Did drag again with the DJs who were there (Wayne G, Stewart Who, Daz Saund, Diddy, Paul Heron, Mikey D, David Cross, Max Moser, Cliff from QX and Megan from Orange. Did Paul's makeup which I think looks quite dashing.
Lovie (friend of Rod from Crash/Area) put on an ace show and entertained everyone while we all trundled down to the beach and put our feet in the sea at stupid o’clock in the morning.

Each night was a different club night(Crash, Anthem, Megawoof, White Party) and I don’t mind pumping house (though I prefer my electro) but by the end of the week I was desperate for some pop trash and begged for some Girls Aloud.

Last day there was a trip on a boat which was a good laugh. Disco onboard and everyone boozing. We pulled into a little bay and everyone jumped off like lemmings. My baps popped out when I jumped off (luckily nobody saw that.) Felt quite hedonistic, like we were rich Europeans, boozing and waving at all the other boats. (Thats me in the middle of the water.)

Final night was spent sat around the pool once the party had finished with some of the porn stars and an old Italian queen (who had an outfit for every single occasion who I called Queenie) he had all the K and we danced around to Don from the Pirate Soundsystems Pirate mix on my phone. Fabulous.

Going home was a bit depressing (as always). Didn’t get a tan, didn’t go on any of the excursions (they were quite expensive) and didn’t get laid (was one of only three lady lady lovers in the resort).
One of the porn boys (Dairylee) shagged all the fag hags-even offered me a night of passion if I fancied not being queer for the night. Politely declined.
Face like a welders bench and went around boasting that he never used rubbers. The boy is probably riddled.

Met some amazing people (hope to keep in contact with some of them) and had a fantastic time. Received no money for it but was worth it for a free inclusive holiday. I hope to be doing it again next year and I really can’t recommend it enough. Even some of the straight boys said they’d had a great time and would go on a gay holiday again. www.alternative-holidays.com

Started the Fine Art Masters at St Martins upon returning. There was a lengthy debate about the Cerith Wyn Evans show at the ICA which I thought was a fairly large pretentious pile of poop.
If you hadn’t read the accompanying text then the whole thing didn’t really make much sense (a lot of people walked into the main room and simply waked out again not knowing that the ‘art’ was the fact he had removed the bricks separating the gallery from the outside wall so that you could see The Mall) The blinds opening and closing in morse was the only thing that I found interesting.

There is certainly a place for such work but I’m fed up of pretension and elitist snobbery in art in that you have to understand it to appreciate it.
I’m all for bringing pop back to art that is accessible to all and that anyone from any background, education or culture can value on some level.

Did my performance art piece ‘Unbearabollocks’ at Studio Neon in Shoreditch (which is an utter contradiction of what I've just said above!)

Me in drag, slave with a dog collar and chain. Placed him on the floor and proceeded to put clothes pegs on his bollocks to a soundtrack of some of the worse novelty songs in the western world (Birdy Song, Agadoo, Achy Breaky Heart, Saturday Night, Chirpy chirpy cheap cheap, Cheeky Girls (which I secretly quite like-its fucking hilarious). Whipped and threw the pegs off into the crowd, wrote ‘Holestar woz ere’ on his chest in lipstick and made him dance around for me. Bow. (Still waiting on the pics).

The idea was an aural and visual humorous amalgamation of annoyance and displeasure. What is harder to deal with? What you are hearing or seeing? People were crossing and uncrossing their legs and moaning as each new track came on so my mission was fulfilled. Some people got the joke-some didn’t. I enjoyed it.

Met the amazingly creative and talented Jonny Woo there. We got chatting and he invited me to join him onstage for Nude at Ministry of Sound.

Sunday went to Bloggers Delight at the Lock Tavern in Camden to see my Pirate boys spin. South Central were particularly impressive (tore up SebastiAns ‘Walkman’) as was Sinden until he went all RnB slow jamish
Met Duke Dumont (one to watch fo sho, great DJ and producer) and his mate Gem and we discussed trustafarian (Nathan) Barleys who roam Hoxton.

Rich, Tom and I had a sneaky spliff and went for a hilarious drink in a rockabilly pub which was quite surreal with Rich ranting on about JayZ and all sorts.

Was invited by Guy to the Candy Bars 10th anniversary party which was a good laugh and drank way too many free cocktails. Some proper munters in there. I still find it bemusing that a lot of dykes hang out in packs. Went to Shadow Lounge after and met the lovely Minty and sang songs from Cabaret with Aubrey.

Met a lady I met on the internet (desperate times call for desperate measures) who seems to be ok with the whole Dominatrix/Drag thing. Had an odd stalker guy who kept trying to talk to me the whole time we were in the pub until I politely told him to fuck off.
Could be dangerous as she’s the slightly blonde version of me. We’ll see how it goes.

Saw my specialist (for the dreaded Hyper Mobility Syndrome). Didn’t tell me anything new but will recommend me to see some other specialist and physio to help with the pain.

Went to a casting (in my fabulous sequined ‘make friend with everyone’ jacket) in Kentish Town for an extras and small parts in TV and films company. Not expecting much but could be interesting research for the Masters to see how things are run from behind the scenes.

Did a photo shoot with the lovely Paul Morgan for club kidz magazine Gazelland in New York. They wanted me naked but was having none of it (wouldn’t want to subject anyone to that) so got away with big makeup, huge new wig I knocked up and a shoulder length glove covering my baps shot from the waist up.
Great shots and I hope I don’t end up looking like a huge heffer in it.

Finished late and went to my new lady friends place for dinner and Mighty Boosh.

That night was the Nude shows. Arrived at 11 but the first show wasn’t on until 2 so spent a long time backstage in a hot room with very little booze. Met the wonderful Empress Stah and in the show was me, Jonny, Ryan Styles, Booby Tuesday, Chicken, Xtina and Jody Harsh (plus two dancers whose names escape me).

First show was Stepford Wives. Jonny went on in a Gorilla outfit, girl came on and poured a line of washing powder onstage, I came on and hovered it up with a fully functioning Henry hoover. Jody sprayed hairspray and we all pretended to be high and shimmied around.

Second show was Hospital Drama. Ryan in a wheelchair, Jonny wrapped up in sequins, boy dancer had heart attack at sight of Jodie, I ran on as a nurse and resuscitated. Booby and I did a faux lesbos thing, girl had baby onstage which we kicked around after. Ryan pulled out his hair while I douched the crowd.

Third show I wasn’t part of (didn’t have anything in white) but watched from the balcony. Jodie came out and had a snooze. Xtina, Jonny and Ryan came on and had a pillow fight which looked absolutely stunning and peaked at the right time with the music.

Finale was a catwalk show with Jonny MCing us all as we came on. Terry Hart stood at the side and we all had a snort of poppers before going on. I wore my strap on but it kept falling off so just danced around the pole with Booby a bit.

Knackering but really really enjoyed myself and very happy to work with such talented people.

My younger and only sister is got married in Mauritius on Tuesday. I’m obviously not there as I can’t afford a couple of grand to go and not my ideal kind of holiday. Prefer a bit of an adventure.
We’ve never really got on and she looks down on me and what I do as I’ve always led shall we say an alternative lifestyle. One Christmas at the parents place, I was trying to chit chat and shoot the shit with her. When I asked her why she was ignoring me she replied with “I don’t speak to people I don’t like”. Charming eh?
Regardless of our differences, I do wish her all the best for the future. Hope they start breeding soon as I want to be an Auntie. Don’t want any of the little fuckers myself (I have put an ASBO on my womb) but really want to be an eccentric Aunt who can hand them back when I’ve had enough.

Did my first lip synch show ever at the Trannyshack first birthday do at Too2Much last night to The Gossip-Standing in the way of control (Soulwax Edit) with a blow up doll, a butt plug, tampon and some anal bead things. Seemed to go down ok.

Coming up - shooting my video for ‘Two Magdalene Fuckers’ and another Oxjam at 93 Feet East.
Shame I’m getting no dollar dollar bills for any of this but its good to be busy and doing what I love.

Next week I’m DJing at Club Myra at Trash Palace which should be a larf (first time since Vienna) and hopefully at Kashpoint Express in the next few weeks too.

It’s all go baby go go.


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